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THINGS YOU'D LOVE
TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T
BUMPER STICKERS
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN / MAN
GOSSIP
MUSICIAN JOKES
CHUCK NORRIS FACTS...
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO
SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with
nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just
one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a
stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been
made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of
look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to
imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this
job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks,
not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must
you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, &
disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a
laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I
wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
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BUMPER
STICKERS:
IF
YOU CAN'T FEED 'EM, DON'T BREED 'EM!
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk
If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like
Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME
REASON
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing
and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and
darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing
gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the
mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm
cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and
sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's
clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot
facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small
country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing
gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up
any exposed areas.
HOW
TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the
edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the
mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and
scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the
water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in
the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates
and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse
butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because
curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on
floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around
waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the woo-woo sound again.
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Gossip....what goes
around, comes around....
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept
sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but
feared her
enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of
being an
alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
only bar one
afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it
there would
know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked
away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house
...walked home....and left it there all night.
Don't ya just love ole George . . . . .
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MUSICIAN JOKES
What's the
difference between a puppy and a singer? The Puppy grows up and
quits whining.
What do you call a building full of
guitarists? Jail.
Why was a piano invented? So the band
would have a place to set their beer.
How do you know when you have a singer
at your door? Can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
What do you call a guitarist without a
girlfriend? homeless.
How do you get a guitar player to stop
playing? Put sheet music in front of him.
What's the difference between a musician
and a 14 inch pizza? The Pizza can feed a family of four.
How does a guitar player make a million?
He starts out with seven million.
Why do bands have bass player? To
translate for the drummer.
What's the last thing a drummer says
before he's outta the band? "Hey guys, why don't we try one of my
songs?"
How do you get a drummer out of your
house? Pay him for the pizza.
What do you call a guy who hangs out
with musicians? A drummer.
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